Parenting Changes

Parent Child Relationship

I believe that the parent child relationship is one of the most important relationships in our lives. Parenting is a difficult job, particularly in our present culture.

In bygone eras, extended families lived close together and family mobility was low. Culture didn’t change much, and most of us lived in homogeneous communities consisting of other families whose values and mores were the same as ours. Parenting approaches within most families in any given community were very similar to each other. In this environment, parents could very easily and most often successfully, parent their children the very same way as they themselves were parented. When an adult had a parenting question, they could turn to mothers, fathers, older siblings and even neighbors for advice.

Much has changed since these days of ‘tribes and villages’. Over the past fifty years or so we have witnessed incredible changes in our society, in terms of family. Most of us live now in very diverse communities, and the average American family moves every two and a half years. There are many different family structures… we have single parenting, same sex parenting, joint parenting by divorced parents, step parenting, etc.

It often seems that our children are a very different species than we were as children. Parents today are often confused and frequently struggle with what to do and how to do it.

This struggle has given rise to an explosion of information with regard to the parent child relationship. There are many family and parenting magazines on the newsstands with advice on everything from fixing nutritious meals and childhood illnesses to parent child communication and different parenting styles. There are parenting websites, parenting blogs, and parenting chat rooms not to mention hundreds of books on parenting.

Is it any wonder parents are confused? Everywhere we turn we are being given various messages about positive parenting techniques or good parenting skills and many times one piece of advice contradicts another and leaves parent feeling frustrated.

One of the primary elements of change that has occurred in our culture over the past 50 years is the movement from living in a ‘vertical’ system to living in a more ‘horizontal’ system. When many of us were children, we lived in a culture in which someone (dad, boss, etc) was presumed to be the superior and had control.

We did what we were told because we knew (believed) we had no rights and were the ‘inferiors’, as children. Then we had the civil rights movement, the women’s movement, etc and suddenly all people, who had had few rights and no control over their lives were standing up and proclaiming the right to be treated with dignity and respect. This is reflected in our children today. They are living in a more horizontal culture in which all people deserve to be treated equally. The parent child relationship has changed.

This is why many of the old ways of raising children are simply ineffective today. There is no question that children need teaching and training, but they are equal in value to other human beings, and deserve to be treated respectfully. Our parenting approach needs to be different.

Positive Discipline is a not a ‘how to’ parenting program…it is a ‘how we’ philosophy. Good parenting skills are built upon the underlying principles of treating children with respect and dignity and managing their behavior by being both kind AND firm. We believe that children do better when the parent child relationships in their lives are encouraging and help them feel a sense of belonging and significance. It is through these relationships that children are able to develop the qualities and build the life skills that will empower them to be successful in this diverse and complicated society.

Babies Brain

Babies Brain Development

The first days, weeks and months of babies brain development depend on the responsive, nurturing and consistent care given by parents. Parenting infants consists primarily of ensuring that their needs are heard and answered. The behaviorist belief that babies cry to manipulate us, and that we should not respond lest they become spoiled is absolutely untrue. The only way that infants have to communicate with us is by crying.

Healthy baby brain development is a result of caregivers responding to the baby’s need. Infants’ brains are busy trying to make sense of the world, and our responses let them know that the world is predictable and safe, that they can trust themselves and others, and that caregivers can be counted on.

Bonding with your baby involves connecting with them by looking at them, talking and singing (they don’t care if you can’t carry a tune) to them, as well as touching them while you are changing their diaper, feeding them, etc. Baby behavior is driven simply by attempts to get their needs met and by the need to make sense of who they are, how the world works, and how they fit into it. They are deciding what it is they need to do to thrive, or to simply survive.

As a result of responsive care, and lots of physical contact infants and babies brain development consists of the foundations of causal thinking (cause and effect), trust, conscience development and delayed gratification (the ability to wait).

By four or five months of age, babies can sometimes soothe themselves and caregivers can ‘wait’ a little to see what happens, rather than immediately responding. Parenting baby now consists of helping them explore their world, as they begin to roll, creep, crawl, and eventually walk. Putting them on the floor is far preferable to a walker or a playpen – except in circumstances when we need to keep them safe (if we are on the phone, cleaning, etc).

Only through figuring out how to get around on their own can baby brain development continue and expand as they explore their potential and the world around them. Playing with baby is very important, as the connection and interaction with others remains a pivotal piece in parenting infants. In fact, in the first 5 months, the best toy caregivers can provide for baby is caregivers’ own face.

Providing congruent, contingent communication to babies is also very important. What this means is being responsive to the infants’ emotional state. Stating out loud what they are feeling helps baby learn about and begin to understand emotions. Statements like ‘you’re frustrated that you can’t reach that toy’, or ‘you’re excited that you finally got there!’ go a long way to helping babies process their own emotions and to begin to understand others’ emotions.

Parenting infants is a big responsibility. By providing nurturing, consistent responses to our babies we are ensuring a healthy foundation for their lives.

Oh Those Toddlers

Toddler Discipline

Many parents have a challenging time with toddler discipline. Those of us who work with parents and other caregivers of toddlers get many, desperate cries for help with regard to discipline for toddlers. Parenting toddlers can indeed be challenging. Almost overnight, it seems, our easy-to-please mostly compliant infant is gone, and we have daily power struggles and toddler temper tantrums over issues that seem insignificant.

It is first important for us to understand toddler development. In the first eighteen months of life babies are primarily learning to trust the world and their caregivers. They are pretty dependent on us for their survival and simply want us to be responsive and to love them.

Toddler parenting involves so much more. Toddlers have the basic survival skills necessary for living in the world. They can walk, talk well enough to communicate their needs, feed themselves and often are well on the way to dressing and pottying on their own. They now move into a new phase called autonomy, or independence.

Toddler behavior often consists of phrases such as ‘no’ and ‘me do it’. Parenting a toddler means that parents have to look for ways to help their little one develop autonomy while still keeping them safe and healthy. While it may be incredibly annoying when they dissolve into a temper tantrum as you try to help them with a puzzle, or attempt to put their shoes on, we must honor their need for personal power.

Toddler discipline often involves avoiding power struggles. When you can let them do it, do so. If you have time for them to put their own shoes on, let them. If they have difficulty parents can ask ‘would you like my help, or can you do it?’ Limited choices are a wonderful tool for toddler parenting – examples are things like ‘would you like cereal or toast for breakfast – you choose?’, or ‘would you like to pick up the toys before or after your bath – you choose?’

Making tasks into a game often works wonders with this age group. Toddler games you can employ to win them over are things like ‘Let’s see how fast you can get your clothes off for the bath – I will count’ or ‘How would you like to get to bed tonight – we can hop on one foot or have a piggy-back ride.’

Toddlers also love to help, and according to Alfred Adler, this sense of significance or contribution is a key to human mental health. Toddler activities that fill this need are things like folding towels, putting place mats on the table before a family meal, carrying their dish to the sink, and helping to cook. Toddlers can tear lettuce or put vegetables in the pot.

Toddlers are wonderful little people who are striving to be independent. Independence is a life skill most parents want their children to acquire, so we most definitely need to encourage it during these early years.

More information about toddlers can be found in Positive Discipline: The First Three Years, by Jane Nelsen.

Preschoolers

Living with Preschoolers and Preschool Behavior

Preschool behavior is driven by the psychological developmental stage called Initiative. Children between the ages of three and six see their world as an exciting and challenging place to discover and explore. Their increased physical and intellectual abilities, as well as expressive vocabulary makes parenting preschoolers both exciting and challenging. Sometimes, in the face of increasing initiative, parents respond by adding more and more rules and limits in an effort to keep children safe. Positive discipline for preschoolers involves understanding the child’s need to explore and experiment while also providing appropriate boundaries and supervision.

Parenting preschoolers takes some creative thinking and some novel ways of looking at discipline. Focusing on what they CAN do rather than what they can’t is important. For example ‘you can jump on the floor or outside’ is a better phrase than ‘Don’t jump on the sofa’. ‘You can have a carrot or some raisins’ is preferable to ‘You can’t have a cookie”

‘No’ becomes a favorite word, and this will be an important word later in their lives (after all, we will want our teens to be able to say ‘no’ to drugs, alcohol or sexual experimentation). So, we want to look for ways to say yes rather than no. For example ‘yes – we can go outside as soon as you get your shoes on’, rather than ‘no, you don’t have shoes on’. Sometimes when parenting preschoolers, it’s wise to let them make mistakes rather than always standing in their way.

For example, letting them pour their own milk and perhaps spilling is an excellent way to teach learning from our mistakes. In this instance, the parent can respond with ‘oops, you spilled – what do you need to do now?’, encouraging the child to get a paper towel and clean up the mess. We can even help them think about solutions by asking ‘next time what might help you pour more easily?’ They may realize that if they had a bigger cup, or a smaller pitcher, it might have been easier.

Parenting preschoolers often involves a great deal of supervision, as they sometimes are very spontaneous. They can climb up to the top of the jungle gym only to realize once they are there, that they can’t get down again.

Preschool discipline often involves understanding that learning takes time and patience. Set realistic limits, making sure that children understand, and then follow through if necessary. It’s important not to use a lot of words – act, don’t talk. It is also ok for preschoolers to have their feelings. Following through with a discipline tool, even though it is kind and firm, does not necessarily mean that children will be happy about it.

If we, for example, are taking a child out to the car because they were acting inappropriately in a restaurant or store, they may be mad and crying. This is common preschool behavior. It’s important for parents not to do a lot of talking at this point. We are just ‘following through’. We might simply say ‘I know you are mad that you don’t get to finish your meal’. Children need to learn that they can cope with feelings…Jane Nelsen calls this ‘exercising their disappointment muscles’. We all need these muscles in life.

Parenting preschoolers also involves understanding other dynamics. Temperament has a great deal to do with how individual children see the world and interact with it. During the preschool years, children are beginning to figure out their place in the world, so gender, increasing social skills and learning about how to get along with others are factors in parenting this age group.

More information about preschool behavior can be found in Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, by Jane Nelsen.

Surviving Teen Years

Teenage Brain Development

Raising teenagers is no easy task in today’s culture. Although past generations admittedly also had difficulty understanding teen behavior, the present seems particularly challenging. Constant in our lives is the ever present media influences and new technology – ipods, text messaging, video games, etc.

However, we also have the benefit of understanding more than ever before about teenage brain development. We know, for example, that the teen brain is very different than the adult brain. With the onset of puberty comes a huge ‘firing up’ of brain synapses, not unlike that which happens during infancy.

Because of this increased activity in portions of the brain, some of the functioning of the prefrontal cortex, or ‘thinking’ part of the brain does not work as well. Thus, teens frequently have impulsive behavior, acting very spontaneously, often without assessing risk or weighing consequences. This is normal teenage brain development.

There is also a shift in sleep behavior. The circadian ‘clock’ that regulates sleep-wake cycles, is very different in teens than it is in children or in adults. That mechanism that allows us to settle down and prepare for sleep in the evening, serves to prop teens up instead. This accounts for teens who begin their homework at 10 pm, or say they are not tired or can’t sleep at 11 or midnight, when the rest of us are off to bed.

There is much discussion on teenage behavior and on discipline for teenagers. Developmentally, teens are in the emotional phase of independence. By the end of this phase they actually need to be prepared to function on their own, out there in the world. They are separating from parents, which can indeed be scary for us. They are stretching their wings – in ways that often seem to us as though they are rejecting some or all of the values we have worked so hard to instill.

Parenting a teenager involves helping them achieve independence by encouraging decision-making and problem-solving. This is often difficult, as the influences placed on them by our culture frequently leave us wanting to lock them in their rooms until they are in their 20s in order to protect them from such teen issues as drugs, or alcohol or engaging in early sexual activity.

Raising teenagers, while challenging, can also be incredibly rewarding as you see them choose friends, and begin dating, as well as make decisions about school and career. They become ‘their own person’. Our job is to encourage their decision-making skills by allowing them to solve problems wherever possible, and by empowering them to think through the possible consequences of choices, rather than telling them what to do, or attempting to control them.

Asking curiosity questions to help them think through a problem is so much more effective than telling them what do. ‘What happened’, ‘How do you think that worked for you?’, and ‘What can you do differently next time’ are examples.

It is during this time that we need to work especially hard as parents to use a democratic discipline style. We want to help them become self sufficient and empower them to make their own decisions, while still holding firm to reasonable limits.

More information on teenage brain development can be found in Jane Nelsen’s Positive Discipline for Teenagers.

Early Brain Development

The Importance of Research on Early Brain Development

Over the past ten to fifteen years, there has been a great deal of research on early brain development. Some studies have looked at prenatal brain development, but the majority of research has focused on babies brain development. There have also been some excellent recent studies done on teenage brain development.

This new interest in human brain development occurred primarily as a result of medical technology. For the first time researchers now have the ability to see into the brain via brain scans and MRI, to watch how it fires up, how the synapses connect, and which areas of the brain are being activated at any given time. The 1990s became known as the ‘decade of the brain’ in some research circles.

This new area of study has been of particular interest to those of us who work with infants and young children, and who are concerned with and involved in the attachment process between infants and caregivers, and it’s relationship to early brain development.

As a parent educator I have believed in and taught Adlerian principles for many years. One of Adler’s core theories has to do with the importance of belonging and significance. Adler believed that infants and young children are watching and learning from the moment of birth…they are attempting to make sense of who they are, how the world works, and how they fit into it. They are making decisions in these early days, weeks and months, about what they need to do in order to thrive or survive.

I believe that the research on early brain development, now scientifically supports these theories. Infants’ brains are connecting with caregivers’ brains in a kind of relationship dance, and foundational building blocks of human brain development are being built.

An infant whose primary caregivers are attentive and responsive to their needs, both physical and emotional, begins to develop a picture of the world as safe and predictable, begins to see himself as important and having some control over his world, and perceives others as caring and nurturing. This is his ‘blueprint’ for relationships and the world.

Research on early brain development now tells us that the foundational building blocks of this child’s early brain development will very likely lead this infant to develop good cognitive and emotional skills and abilities. This infant will be able to make thoughtful decisions, will be able to think critically, and will develop empathy, and the ability to share emotions with others.

For physically abused children, or those who have been neglected or suffered other chronic trauma, the picture of early brain development looks much different. When infants’ needs are not met, or met sporadically, or when abuse or violence is a part of early relationships, the ‘blueprint’ that develops is one in which the infant feels no control, no power to get her needs met. She learns the world is unpredictable, and that caregivers are not nurturing and supportive, or worse, that they are hurtful. The foundational building blocks of this infant’s brain are compromised in some very dramatic ways, often resulting in difficulties with cognitive skills, little or no trust in caregivers and the world, and inability to develop healthy relationships.

These factors have led to the understanding of the importance of early intervention for young children – helping new parents to nurture, removing children or intervening quickly for children in abusive or neglectful families. The ideal, of course, is to provide the services to birth families that will allow children to grow and thrive, but if this is not possible, then removal of children to relatives, or into the foster care system, with a permanency plan in place as soon as possible is advisable.

For more information regarding research on early brain development and how this related to attachment, please refer to the page on Attachment.

Understanding Attachment

Understanding Attachment in Children

In the past twenty years, knowledge of the brain, how it works and it’s relationship to attachment in children has increased dramatically. It is very important for parents and other caregivers of infants and young children to understand how these two are linked.

When studies of attachment and attachment issues were first being researched, there was some confusion between this and bonding theory.

Bonding theory has more to do with mothers’ response to infants, than what is happening for the baby. The premise of this theory is that there are ‘critical periods’ which must be present between mothers and infants in order for them to ‘bond’.

The theory was actually a result of an attempt to make birth practices more humane after years of women giving birth under general anesthetic, babies being removed for hours or even days to a nursery, and neither parent having much access to their infant. It quickly became ‘fact’ that the first hours after birth were critical for moms and infants to bond….it was much like the idea of ‘imprinting’ that we see in animals. The thought was that if it didn’t happen immediately after birth, the critical period is bypassed, and it may never occur.

This bonding theory became confused with Bowlby’s attachment theory, which is a very different animal. Bowlby focused on how babies become attached to their mothers (or primary caregivers) in the weeks and months following birth.

While it is true that close physical contact immediately after birth reduces the chance that mothers who are at risk for rejecting or distancing themselves from their infant will do so, there is no evidence that this is true for the majority of mothers. Regarding attachment In children, it is certainly the ideal, for mothers and their infants to be together for the first few hours after birth, as there are critical ‘connections’ happening for both, but when this doesn’t happen, there is no research that supports that most mothers will not ‘bond’ with their infant over the days, weeks and months that follow.

Attachment theory is a process by which infants begin to make sense of who they are, how the world works and how they fit into it. The infant brain is firing up and the synapses are connecting, based on the early interactions they have with primary caregivers.

With regards to attachment in children, it is important to realize there is a cycle of interaction between infant and caregiver called the Arousal-Relaxation cycle. During this process, the infant is initially relaxed for a period of time (sleeping, looking around, etc). At some point the infant becomes aware that they are uncomfortable, begins to cry (their only means of communicating a need to us), and caregivers react to the cry by figuring out what the need is and responding appropriately- to both the physical need and/or the emotional need. The infant then returns to a relaxation state called homeostasis.

This cycle is repeated hundreds and hundreds of times during the first days, weeks and months of a child’s life, as caregivers respond to the infants’ many needs for food, connection and comfort. When the primary caregivers are nurturing, responsive and congruent (matching the baby’s emotional signals with their own), then the infant develops what is called secure attachment.

Pivotal brain connections and important decisions about self, others and the world are being formed. Securely attached infants and children are making ‘brain’ decisions…they are forming connections that result in them having a view of themselves as important, as having some power to affect change in their environment. They learn that their first caregivers are trustworthy, nurturing, and responsive to needs – which forms the blueprint for all future relationships. And finally, they understand the world as a predictable, consistent and safe place.

Insecure Attachment

Attachment theory research tells us that infants will likely experience one of three types of insecure attachment if they do not get responsive, nurturing, consistent care in the early weeks and months of their lives.

While only the most poorly nurtured infants actually may develop attachment disorder (those who have lived in extremely neglectful environments), many others may still have attachment issues.

The first type of insecure attachment is called ambivalent attachment. This occurs when caregivers are inconsistent – sometimes answering infants’ needs quickly and responsively, and sometimes letting the infant ‘cry it out’. This may also occur if caregivers respond only to the physical needs – feeding, changing, etc, but ignore the infant’s need for human interaction and connection.

Looking at baby, touching, singing, talking about what we are doing, etc is very important for infants’ emotional development. Without this, babies do not ‘feel felt’, an expression coined by Dan Siegel in his book ‘Parenting From the Inside Out’. It can become very difficult for these babies to develop the qualities of compassion and empathy.

With insecure ambivalent attachment characterized by ‘only sometimes’ type of caregiving, babies learn that the world and their ability to have an impact on it is basically inconsistent – sometimes things happen, sometimes they don’t – sometimes all their needs are met, and sometimes only some of them are. Infants learn that others are not dependable or consistent. They often also do not learn or understand emotions – their own or others.

The second type of insecure attachment is called avoidant attachment, and occurs when caregivers are unresponsive to the infants needs – both physical and emotional. This is called neglect, and happens often in families where there is alcoholism and/or drug addiction, or in families who are just ignorant of what babies need. This happened in eastern European countries with babies in orphanages. These infants were kept contained in their cribs for the majority of each day, being taken out only to be fed or changed, and even those tasks were performed with little or no engagement with the infant.

In this environment, babies learn that they have no ability to impact their world, or to engage others. The world is indeed a cold and scary place in which no one really cares. In worst case scenarios these infants may become developmentally delayed, passive, may develop full-blown reactive attachment disorder. Human beings can actually die from lack of human contact, characterized by the worst-case scenario of avoidant insecure attachment.

The third type of insecure attachment occurs when there is domestic violence in the family, or physical or sexual abuse of the child. The human brain is hard-wired to seek comfort from primary caregivers when hurt or afraid, and another part of the brain is hardwired to run or fight (fight-flight) when danger is perceived. For infants with a caregiver who hurts them, or who creates chaos in their environment, a dual response is set up in the infants’ brain. This response looks like ‘I am hurt – I need comfort from you – you are the one who hurts me so I can’t go to you’. The infant has no way to make sense of this. This type of attachment is called disorganized, and is often characterized by a disassociative response, wherein infants have NO response, and in fact, are emotionally absent.

Whether infants have secure attachment or one of the types of insecure attachment, is pivotal to their growth and functioning in the world. It impacts whether they can form meaningful, connected relationships with other people, and affects how they see the world and their place in it, as they grow.

Childhood Trauma

Children and Trauma

Working with children and trauma has become of primary interest to me over the past few years, as for the second time in my professional life, I have found myself in a position of working with foster and adoptive families. Most of the children being cared for by foster parents have been physically abused, or neglected for much of their lives. Many have been emotionally abused and some have been sexually abused. Almost all have had a series of moves, both with birth parents and then within the foster care system, which creates additional trauma.

In infancy and early childhood, as discussed in other articles, children are building attachment with primary caregivers based on the interactions they experience. Their brains are trying to make sense of who they are, how the world works and how they need to behave in order to thrive or simply survive.

Abused children, whether the abuse is emotional, physical, or neglectful, have made a blueprint for relationships and developed an internal belief system based on early life experiences that tells them, in most cases, things like “no one will be there for me, I have to take care of myself’, “big people will hurt you”, “when I am bad, people send me away”, and even “I am unlovable, I am a bad person”.

They will behave in ways that keep this belief system in place, as they truly believe that their survival depends on it. What looks like abnormal behavior to us is adaptive behavior for them. From their viewpoint this behavior is the only way they will survive.

When infants do not have nurturing, responsive care in the early weeks and months of their lives, the foundational building blocks of the brain are also impacted. Causal thinking – the ability to understand cause and effect, to plan and organize – is compromised.

Abused children’s basic sense of trust in themselves and in caregivers is lessened, as is their ability to learn delayed gratification. If you cannot trust that you have the power to impact your world, and cannot depend on others to meet even your basic needs, as you grow, it makes sense that ‘waiting’ for anything will be very difficult.

Many children being abused or neglected have no one in their environment who pays any attention to emotions, and often feelings are either ignored or invalidated. The result is children who have little ability to understand their own feelings, and thus do not develop another foundational brain building block called conscience development, which leads to empathy. If we cannot understand and process our own emotions we certainly cannot put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and feel what they feel.

Foster parents and other caregivers living with children who have suffered chronic trauma in the form of physical or other abuse, sometimes take the child’s behavior personally, and have difficulty dealing with some of the behaviors, especially aggressive behaviors. I have found in my work that when foster parents, adoptive parents and other caregivers begin to understand the attachment process and the foundational building blocks of brain development, and the relationship between children and trauma, they begin to have a deeper understanding.

With some knowledge of how to rebuild attachment and add to the building of the brain, in addition to some new behavior management tools they discover that they can have great impact on the children in their care.

This DVD contains in-depth information about attachment, brain development and children and trauma.

Adult Attachment

Earned Adult Attachment

Adults often ask if it’s possible to develop secure adult attachment, even though their childhood experiences were such that, in their early lives they had attachment issues and, as children, may have developed insecure attachment. The answer is a resounding ‘yes’.

First, let’s look at the characteristics of insecure attachment in childhood and see how this plays out once we become adults.

Adults who, as children, had ambivalent insecure attachment with their own parents, are often anxious, preoccupied and uncertain in their current lives. They may have difficulty making decisions, have doubts about being able to depend on others and are often unable to see or understand their own children’s needs appropriately.

Adults who, as children, had avoidant insecure attachment, are often thought of as dismissive. They are usually very independent and have little sensitivity to the needs of others. They are often disconnected from intimacy, and place little value on relationships. With their children in particular, they often have very limited sensitivity to the child’s needs.

Adults who as children had disorganized insecure attachment, and still have unresolved trauma, often have very fast or abrupt shifts in their state of mind – becoming enraged over small things, or sometimes having no response at all (flat affect) when others are upset.

The key to developing earned adult attachment lies in coming to terms with childhood experiences and making sense of the impact the past has had on the present and future. It is important to develop a coherent narrative about what happened to us and the impact it has had on the decisions we may unconsciously have made about how to ‘be’ in the world.

Mary Main, one of the primary researchers with regards to attachment theory asked adults in a series of questions to tell her about their families of origin, and their childhood experiences. She found that, based on the way adults responded to the questions, she could predict with a high degree of accuracy whether the children of the parents she interviewed were going to develop secure attachment or one of the types of insecure attachment.

The determination was not due to the childhood experiences themselves, but was more about how the adults described their experiences. A ‘congruent’ life story involved the adults having reflected on childhood experiences and having developed an understanding of how those how the experiences impacted on their lives as they grew older.

These adults were able to tell the ‘story’ in a logical (who, what, when, how) way while also giving emotional content appropriate to the experiences, that showed they had made sense of their early lives.

Adults with this earned adult attachment are able to connect with their children in a caring and consistent manner, as they have ‘earned’ the ability to be more free and flexible in their responses, as a result of their reflection and understanding of heir own childhoods. The result is secure attachment for their children.